Naruto: Man at Arms
by D N Walker
Summary: 'Be a Man in the City Watch! The City Watch needs MEN' But what it got was a Dwarf, a Troll, A Women  Most of the time  and a misplaced blonde Ninja. Ankh-Morpork will never be the same again.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok this is the first…and hopefully not the only Naruto Discworld crossover to ever be thought up.**

**Now business first before the actual fic starts. Naruto not owned by me nor is the ****Discworld enjoy.**

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In a million universes there was a fourth new recruit for the Night watch that time, In a million universes that recruit was… well anybody you could imagine (yes even Rincewind) But in this one it was a blonde haired Ninja who found himself (after a discussion with Kyuubi) dimensionally misplaced.

Lance-Constable Naruto Uzumaki found himself stood in a line with three others, one was a tall and in Naruto's opinion (and possibly every illegal and legal criminal in Ankh-Morpork) was a very beautiful women with long ash-blonde hair and blue eyes, her name is Angua. She currently wore a leather skirt and tunic along with sandals as her armour needed to be sorted out as it had been taken to the armourer and had been told to beat it out really well _here_ and _here_ to fit bits that weren't found on a man. Naruto had blushed when he had first seen her. He couldn't quite put his figure on it but something had always triggered whenever he was near Angua, something Naruto imagined was left over from the Kyuubi. How Naruto had got on to the disc was beyond him as he had to give control of his body over to Kyuubi and let it do what was needed to be done, and Naruto was quite happy as his life was much better so far than it was back in the Elemental Nations.

Second was a very short person whose head was at a disconcerting groin height, a dwarf called Cuddy if he remembered right. This dwarf had a glass eye and was adamant about keeping his axe. Finally there was a very tall creature seemingly made of stone a Troll If Naruto could remember correctly called Detritus who due to his size was wearing modified armour originally meant for an Elephant, currently Detritus was having trouble with Saluting and kept knocking himself out. Saluting was something that Naruto and Angua had gotten right first time. As for what Naruto was dressed in he was currently wearing leather breaches a cotton tunic over which was a metal breastplate, a metal helmet on his head a sword hung from his belt and on his feet were a pair of leather sandals with metal shin guards. How he was in this line up was beyond him but all he knew was that he had been shanghaied in to the City Guard (Night Watch) by a Lord Vetinari who apparently ran the city of Ankh-Morpork

Captain Sam Vimes, City Guard (Night Watch) stared woodenly at the wall of the anteroom of the Partitions office. He should be happy…well as happy as any other man in his position would be. He was getting married in a few days, he was going to stop being a guard he was going to live a life of leisure. Vimes repositioned his best cloak so that more of his polished breast plate showed and taking out his copper badge buffed it on his cloaks edge and held it up to the light which glinted off its surface. AMCW No.177, he had often wondered how many others had had this badge before him and now someone would have it after him.

Sam Vimes sighed and thought about the four new recruits back at the Watch House. _Four, ye Gods used to be a time when a new recruit would have to be drunk__ or mad to join the Watch. Now __we've got four all at once. A Dwarf, a Troll, a…whatever the Blonde is as the Partition has said he's something else and a female werewolf. Still werewolf's better than a vampire. _Vimes thought grimly as he stood and entered the Oblong Office.

"Ah Vimes I must say I was very saddened to receive your letter, captain." Said the Partition.

"Yes sir" Vimes said his voice more wooden than a furniture factory

"_Please_ sit down, Captain."

"Yes sir" Vimes said and remained standing. It was a matter of pride with Vimes.

The Partition sighed, or he would have if he hadn't stopped doing that sort of thing as it was a waste of energy to sigh and that energy was best spent elsewhere. "Now for the main reason I summoned you here, with your departure from the Night Watch, I shall have to promote a new chief officer of the Night Watch…Any suggestions?"

Vines's mind came down from whatever cloud it had been ready to hide in as he was sure the Partition would of prattled on about his impending marriage first before getting down to guard business. And guard business required his _full_ attention. "Well… not Fred Colon… he's just one of nature's Sergeants…"

Sergeant Fred Colon, City Guard (Night Watch) looked at the bright faces of the remaining two recruits before him. (Angua and Naruto having got the idea of the salute down were currently been shown around the City by Corporal Carrot) "Now let's try it again Lance-Constable Detritus" he said "The trick is you stops your hand just above the ear. Now get up off the floor and try again. Now then… Lance-Constable Cuddy?"

"Here!"

"Where?"

"In front of you sergeant "

Looking down Colon took a step back the swollen curve of his impressive (By police standards anyway) stomach, hiding the upturned face of Lance-Constable Cuddy with his helpful and intelligent glass eye staring back.

"Oh Right."

"I'm taller than I look"

_Oh gods a Dwarf, a Troll, a man and they ain't the worst of it._

Vimes drummed his fingers on the desk "Not Colon then, besides he's not as young as he used to be and has a lot on his plate right now2

"Sergeant Colon has all ways had a lot on his plate, I should say"

"With the new recruits I mean." Vimes said meaningfully _The ones you forced me to have._ Vimes added within the safety of his own mind.

"Hmm what about Corporal Nobbs?" asked the Patrician.

"Nobby?"

The Patrician and Vimes shared a mental image of Nobby.

"No."

"No."

"Then there is." The Patrician smiled. "Corporal Carrot."

A picture of Carrot formed in Vimes' head.

"This" said Carrot "Is the Hubwards Gate. To the whole city that we defend." Explained Carrot to both Angua and Naruto.

"From what?" Angua asked.

"Oh from anything to everything the Disc can throw at us I imagine" Naruto said meaningfully as he scanned the horizon beyond the Gate.

"That is Correct Lance-Constable Naruto." Said Carrot cheerfully.

"What just us?"

"What No, just ring your bell as hard as you like and me Nobby, Colon and the rest of em will be along as quick as we can." Answered Carrot.

"Yeah and we hold our own until they get to us." Replied Naruto and Angua smiled in his direction and got a blush from Naruto in the process.

"So, what now?" Asked Angua

"Now the three of us proceed back to the Watch House." Answered Carrot. "Sergeant Colon will be reading out the nights report."

That was another thing Naruto and Angua had gotten down quick as well, proceeding the time honoured walk of police everywhere. A walk that is designed to save as much energy as possible, this is so that the police officer in question will be able to catch a criminal with as little trouble as possible.

"Sergeant Colon, he's the fat one right?" Asked Angua.

"That's him." Said Carrot

"What's with his pet monkey?" Asked Naruto

"Oh I think that you are referring to Corporal Nobby Nobbs." Said Carrot.

"He's Human!" said Angua clearly surprised and from the look on Naruto's own face he was surprised at the revelation as to Nobby's standing as a member of the human species.

"Yep" said Carrot as he strode through the city streets almost as if he owned the city itself.

As the trio proceeded, Angua asked a few more questions, eventually they helped out a man who had been robbed by an unlicensed thief. They quickly caught the thief who Carrot identified as Here 'n' now and promptly knocked him out then took him to the Watch House for safety as the Thieves Guild would do worse to him. And Carrot explained to Naruto and Angua that they would eventually understand how the city works, all while dragging Here 'n' now along to the Watch House whose head was bouncing from cobble to cobble.

As Here 'n' now was being mildly concussed while being taken to the safety of the Watch House. Elsewhere a clown had been killed. (while the death it's self is tragic, the debate as to whether or not the act itself was evil continues to this day across the multiverse.)

The Clown sat up and looked up only to see Edward d'Earth looking down at him with a horrified expression.

"I-I didn't mean to hit you that hard! I only wanted you out of the way."

"Why did you have to hit me at all?" questioned the former clown once called Beano. It was then that Beano felt that disconcerting feeling one gets when, while everything seems fine you can't help but think that there is something terribly wrong.

This was because Beano got the most peculiar feeling that Edward wasn't exactly looking at him, and was most certainly not talking to him.

KNOCK, KNOCK. Came a voice like the closing of crypt doors.

Beano looked up and to his left. "Who's there?"

DEATH.

"Death who?"

There seemed to be a chill in the air as Beano waited for the punch line. While this unseen event was taking place Edward was patting the face… well what had been the face of Beano the clowns face in a sad and pointless attempt to wake the former clown up.

I WONDER CAN WE START AGAIN? I DON'T SEEM TO OF GOTTEN THE HANG OF THIS.

"Sorry" said Beano as he watched Edward drag his… the body away stuttering about how it will be for the best and that it was in no way personal.

"Nothing personal huh, well I'd hate to see what he would of done if it had been personal." Muttered Beano

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN SUGGESTED THAT I SHOULD BE MORE OF A PEOPLE PERSON.

"One minute walking along doing my bit as a clown then…Dead."

THINK OF IT AS BEING… DIMENTONALLY DISADVANTAGED

"What are you talking about?" The shade of Beano asked once he had turned to face the cloaked figure of Death.

YOU'RE DEAD. IF YOU WOULD FOLLOW ME.

Beano looked thoughtful "Will there be custard pies? Red noses? Juggling? Are there likely to be any baggy trousers?"

NO

Beano, having spent most of his relatively short life as a clown smiled behind the makeup that made up his clown face. "I like it."

**Well here's the first part done and that's all for now until next time.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome to the lastest chapter of Naruto Man at Arms which is now (at the time of posting this chapter) one of three Naruto/Discworld crossovers.**

**Before we start I do not own Naruto or Discworld.**

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Sam Vimes's meeting with the Patrician ended in such a way that Vimes felt that he had just escaped death by the narrowest of margins only to find himself in an even more dangerous situation, a situation that for some reason Sam imagined should involve fire. This was because upon asking about the forth new recruit who he learned was called Naruto Uzumaki, he had allowed some sort of Animorphic like person in to the watch. What the male blonde turned in to was unknown at this time but still Vimes reasoned it was better than a Vampire. Leaving the Patrictian's Palace Vimes trudged on to see his bride to be and he knew exactly where to find her.

The sign above the big double gates said: Here be Dragons. The brass plaque beside the gates read: The Ankh-Morpork Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons. This is where Vimes knew Lady Syibl Ramkin spent most of her days.

Entering the pens carefully. As due to the nature of of the Dragons of the Disc having a stomach full of volatile chemicals, they had a tendency to suddenly (and with out any warning what so ever) Explode.

The smell of the Pens was unusual even by Ankh-Morpork standards. The smell put one in mind of a pond used to dumb alchemic wast for several years and then drained. Currently Lady Sybil was struggling along with the two assistants called Emma with a brown sack. A sack that was promptly pushed into Sam's arms when he was close enough and was told to hold it by Sybil. In that same moment a talon ripped out of the sack and clawed down Vimes's breastplate, in an attempt at disembowelment.

This was soon followed by a spiky eared head shoving it's way out the other end of the sack. The Dragon's gleaming red eyes focused on Vimes and a tooth-serated mouth opened and a gush of evil smelling vapour washed over Vimes. In that moment Lady Ramkin grabbed the lower Jaw and thrust the other arm up to the elbow down the Dragon's throat.

"Got you!" Declared Sybil triumphantly much to Vimes's shock. "Little Devil wouldn't take his limestone tablet. Swallow. _Swallow!_ There! Who's a good boy then? You can let him go now."

the sack slipped from Vimes's arms.

"Bad case of Flameless Gripe." Explained Sybil. "Hope we got it in time"

The Dragon ripped it's way out of the sack and looked round for something to incinerate. Everyone immediately got out of it's way.

The Dragon's eyes crossed, it hiccuped. The Limestone tablet (Pinged) off the opposite wall.

"Everybody Down!" Shouted Lady Sibyl. They leapt for the nearest cover they could. Said cover being a water trough and a pile of clinkers. The Dragon hiccuped again, and looked puzzled. Then exploded. The heads of those hiding appeared from behind there respective cover after the smoke cleared.

Lady Ramkin took a handkerchief from a pocket on her leather overalls and blew her nose. "Silly little bugger." she said sadly. "Oh well. Did you go see Havelock Sam?"

Vimes nodded. Never in all his life would he get used to the idea that the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork would have a first name, or that anybody would know him well enough to use it.

Sybil I've been thinking about this dinner tomorrow night." Vimes said desperately "You know I don't think I can..."

"Don't be silly" Said Sybil. "You'll enjoy it. It's time you met the right people." Explained Lady Sybil meaningfully.

Vimes simply nodded mournfully at that.

"You shall be expected at eight 'O' clock, then... and don't give me that look it will be tremendous help for you. You Sam are far too good to be traipsing around those damn wet cobbled streets, and it's high time you got on in the world."

Vimes wanted to say he liked traipsing around dark wet cobbled streets; but it would be no use. This was because it was a lie, Vimes didn't really like it it was just what he'd always done. He thought about it in the same way he thought about his badge. It was like he thought about his nose, he didn't love it or hate it it was just there.

"So just run along. It'll be terrific fun. Handkerchief." Sybil suddenly said causing Vimes to Panic. "What?"

"Give it to me." Vimes reluctantly passed his handkerchief to Sybil. She then held it close to his mouth. "Spit..." she commanded. Vimes complied.

Sybil then dabbed at a smudge on his cheek. One of the Emma's giggled a giggle that was just on the edge of hearing Lady Sybil ignored it.

"There that's better" She said. "Now off you go and keep the streets safe. And if you would like to do something _really _useful, you could find Chubby."

"Chubby?" "He got out of his pen last night."

"A dragon." Vimes groaned as he pulled out a cheep Cigar out of his pocket. Dragons were becoming an annoyance within the city. Lady Sybil got quite angry over it as people would buy them when they were six inches long and a cute way to start the fire. But when they grow and start burning the furniture or leaving corrosive holes everywhere they'd be shoved out the door and left to fend for them selves.

"We rescued him from a blacksmith on Easy Street" explained Lady Sybil. " I said 'My good man you can use a forge like other blacksmiths' poor thing"

"Chubby." said Vimes "Got a light?" He then asked

"Poor boy's got a blue collar." explained Lady Ramkin

"Right yes"

"He'll follow you if he thinks you've got some charcoal biscuits."

"Right." Vimes said patting his pockets

"They're a little over excited in this heat."

Vimes reached down into one of the hatching pens, and picked up one of the small ones. The small blue dragon flapped it's stubby wings excitedly and spewed a jet of green flames. Vimes inhaled quickly lighting his cigar.

Seeing her husband to be Sybil sighed "I really wish you wouldn't do that."

"Sorry" Vimes said.

"So if you could get Carrot and that 'nice' Corporal Nobbs keep an eye out for..."

"No problem." answered Vimes. For some reason Lady Sybil, who had a keen eye in every other respect, was under the impression that Corporal Nobby Nobbs was a loveable cheeky rascal. Vimes reasoned it had something to do with opposites attracting.

As he walked down the street dressed in his old leather and rusty mail, helmet on head and the feel of the cobbles through his warn soles telling him he was in Arce Alley no one would believe they were looking at the man who would be soon marrying Ankh-Morpork's richest women. As he walked Vimes noticed a black Fox carrying a rat into an alley for it's dinner. That was something that had started to appear in the last few weeks Foxes seemed to be on every street or in every alley in Ankh-Morpork they weren't a problem but they seemed to be everywhere lately and mo one seemed to be able to find out where they lived or . Continuing on to the watch house Vimes never noticed a fox was following him as well.

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**The foxes are incessant Naruto's spy network within Ankh-Morpork.**


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